This Life is Enough

Talking to a good friend the other day, she mentioned if this is her life, she’s OK with it.

She wasn’t depressed or thinking about ending her life, but like me, I’m good with where my life is at.

When I was young I always thought I’d die young. I was scared of death. Heck, I was scared I was adopted (though I looked exactly like my brother and mother) or that my parents would divorce (though I rarely witnessed a fight between them).

But my biggest fear was death. I remember wanting to make it to 50.

Then I had children, and all I could think of was their wellbeing and security. I wanted nothing more, I once told a friend, than to have them graduate from high school in one healthy, safe, happy piece.

And that wish will come to fruition, God willing, this coming May.

So where does that leave me?

After countless mistakes, regrets, and unfulfilled dreams, I am blessed to have my husband and kids, friends, extended family, and health. I’m financially comfortable with a cute house I get to live in and the jobs to pay for it and all that it contains.

But if it all ended today I would be happy. Happy that my family is old enough, bright enough, smart enough and strong enough to survive it without me.

I am no longer afraid to die.

True, there’s so much I still want to do (hold future grandkids in my arms) and see (the London haunts of some of my favorite writers as well as national parks of the west and southwest with my husband) and read (I have one helluva long TBR list of books).

Yet, do I deserve to see all of my desires through and to?

I think of all the unfulfilled dreams of millions (billions??) of people who have passed before me in the world. For some that could have meant a full belly, or to see their child grow up past the age of 3. For others it may have meant a singing career onstage in a big city, or to live a peaceful life after a horrible tragedy befell themselves or their family.

In the end, if I don’t tick off every last experience on my bucket list, I won’t be alone.

My plan is not to sit back and watch the world go by with a fatalistic attitude. There won’t be any skydiving or gambling all my money away or driving without a seatbelt while going 70 miles per hour down the freeway.

Rather, I consider this feeling of contentment a bonus.

I intend to use this second half, or thereabouts, of my life as a time to make amends, deepen some relationships before it’s too late, and encourage others to pursue their dreams and goals.

I want to spread any knowledge or life lessons that I’ve learned during my short time spinning around this beautiful, warm, life-giving sun.